Emotional Roller Coaster of the "Paperwork Pregnancy"

When you are pregnant, you are given some leeway on your emotions.  My friend M was pregnant with her first, and she and her husband went for a walk.  She said to him "oh, it feels good to go out and get some exercise," and he said "I wouldn't call this exercise."  Needless to say, she was upset.  Anyone could see why, she was feeling out of sorts in her new shape.  She was a typically outgoing and active person, and she'd been feeling a bit trapped by her new mobility challenges.  Of course she and her husband worked it out, but its easy to chalk it up to hormones, physical changes, etc. 
Sometimes I feel like I want to scream, yell and bang my fists on the table- but then I would just be an irrational lunatic.
On Monday, we were returning from a fantastic, relaxing trip to the beach when my sister made an offhanded comment about our financial situation concerning the adoption.  "You're always looking for a handout- that's what this tag sale is all about."  Well, we had been traveling in my car, so I was ready to leave her at the side of the road.  Luckily, calmer heads prevailed and Chris stated "What are we supposed to do- get second jobs?" 
Now that I've had a chance to calm down, I'm not angry- I won't be leaving anyone to hitchhike across the Bay Bridge, but I still feel the comment was unwarranted.  First of all, we are not "always looking for a handout."  We both put ourselves through school, bought a house and a car- together, but with no financial support from our families. 
And we have picked up extra jobs.  I am babysitting after school, I have forfeited my best teacher perk- summers off, to work on curriculum development for the district.  Chris has picked up part time gigs, he has translated documents, he has done IT work (really, I have no idea what he does all day). 
Chris rides a bike to work in a suit to save on transit fare and a second car payment, insurance, and parking.  And by the way, it was 90 degrees today.  I was 21 when I joined the Peace Corps.  I came off my parents insurance- health and car, and I have been supporting myself financially ever since.  Chris works hard, he just switched to a new job because the benefits for parents are better.  Not only does he work full time, he comes home and works on our house, which had been quite the fixer upper.  He completely remodeled the upstairs bathroom and put in a laundry room.  He and his father put in a new boiler and dishwasher.  Is having his father help out asking for a handout?  His father has the expertise, he's a retired pipe fitter, and offered to help us out.
We are asking for a lot of help, but as they say "it takes a village."  I am frustrated, often, when I see the checks flying out of our account, the balance dwindling.  But I didn't make the system, I am just trying to work within it.  I think its unfair that adoptive parents have to empty their bank accounts and take out second mortgages while other parents are setting up college funds. 
Can we do this on our own?  Can biological parents do it on their own?  We all count on friends, family and coworkers to pitch in when they can.  We've all babysat our nieces and nephews free of charge, brought a lasagne to a colleague who's wife is sick, taken a stressed friend out to lunch.  We even do this for people we don't know- every Christmas our school counselor organizes a gift drive for needy children throughout the district. 
Bottom line, though, if you don't want to help out, you don't have to. 

Misconceptions about Adoptive Families

In my quest to find the "perfect" book to give to our parents and siblings to help them understand our adoption journey and settling in with our new one, I've come across a lot of duds.

I highly recommend "You Can Adopt," if you are interested in pursuing adoption yourself.  It's upbeat title is not misleading- you will walk away with confidence and ready for the challenge.

I just finished Adam Pertman's "Adoption Nation."  I had to renew it- I never do that- so you know it's hard to get through.  His overall point- that adoption has come out of the shadows and people are proud to talk about adoptions is good for all involved, is accurate.  But to prove his point he uses common and extremely uncommon misconceptions about adoptions. 
Common Misconception Example 1: chapter 6 is called "Adoptive Parents: Infertility Begets a Family."  We know plenty of adoptive families who have biological children- who had biological children first, so they already knew infertility wasn't an issue.  While, many families choose adoption only after failing to conceive naturally and with fertility treatments, that is not the case for everyone. 
So why then do they adopt?  Well there is no one answer for that.  Many feel a call to adopt, there are so many children around the world without families.  Many adoptions are of family members- nieces, nephews, cousins, stepchildren, often when the child's primary caregiver is no longer available.  Pertman claims that adoption have increased because women wait longer to try and conceive.  Though that many women wait longer to have children, there aren't accurate figures on adoptions in years past, due to the secrecy and shame adoptive parents felt at the time. 
Bizarre Misconception Example 2: "Many people do more homework before they buy a car than before they adopt a child."  (p. 190)  I find that exceedingly difficult to believe or substantiate.  Good luck proving that point, Pertman.
Outrageous Claim Example 3: This guy really hates the National Council for Adoption (NCFA).  He accuses them  of using their influence to pressure the government to ease the Indian Child Welfare Act (which basically makes it difficult for non Native Americans to adopt a child of a recognized Native American ancestry) because the Mormons believe that Native Americans are the last tribe of Israel and therefore the anointed people.  And Mormons encourage adoptees to follow their adoptive families bloodlines as there own thus creating more Mormons.  And "who better to bring into the fold than the Lord's anointed favorites"  (p. 218-219).  Admittedly, I do not know much about Mormon's views on adoption or Native Americans, but to follow his logic you'd have to accept numerous unqualified claims.
So, in short, I do not recommend this book.  Back to the library tomorrow. 

Heading to NY this weekend

We have so much stuff for the the tag sale!  I was trying to pack the stuff we've collected from around here, and it won't fit in my car!  We're heading up to NY on Friday after work to get some things organized up there.  There is no way the kitchen table and chairs and office chair will fit in my Toyota! We have so much stuff, we are going to do the sale both Saturday and Sunday and donate the left overs to Big Brothers/ Big Sisters.
We still need helpers so please, please pass this along to anyone you no in the NYC metro area:

 

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