Baba Marta

(Pochti) Chestita Baba Marta!
I know, I shouldn't wish you a happy Baba Marta until March 1st, but...
Baba Marta is my favorite Bulgarian holiday.  On March 1st, people exchange red and white bracelets - Martinitzi.  You wear this bracelet, or pin, until you see a stork, then tie the bracelet to a fruit tree.  In April, trees in Sofia are covered in these bracelets.
Here are some children making martinitzi:

Sometimes Martinizi are shaped like a man and woman- Pizho and Penda:

Why do Bulgarian celebrate Baba Marta (Grandmother March), well it depends who you ask.  This is what Balkan Folk says.  I've heard many stories of how it was started.  But to me, Baba Marta is a day of fun and friendship during a hard, cold winter.  When you see the Grannies selling martinitzi, it means spring will soon be here! 

reposting from "How to Be the Village"

I saw this blog post on "From the Trenches" and thought it was excellent, so I'll repost it here.
You can find it at Jen Hatmaker's Blog:

Let’s break this down into two categories:

Supporting Families Before the Airport

Your friends are adopting. They’re in the middle of dossiers and home studies, and most of them are somewhere in the middle of Waiting Purgatory. Please let me explain something about WP: It sucks in every way. Oh sure, we try to make it sound better than it feels by using phrases like “We’re trusting in God’s plan” and “God is refining me” and “Sovereignty trumps my feelings” and crazy bidness like that. But we are crying and aching and getting angry and going bonkers when you’re not watching. It’s hard. It hurts. It feels like an eternity even though you can see that it is not. It is harder for us to see that, because many of us have pictures on our refrigerators of these beautiful darlings stuck in an orphanage somewhere while we’re bogged down in bureaucracy and delays.

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. “God’s timing is perfect!” (Could also insert: “This is all God’s plan!” “God is in charge!”) As exactly true as this may be, when you say it to a waiting parent, we want to scratch your eyebrows off and make you eat them with a spoon. Any trite answer that minimizes the struggle is as welcomed as a sack of dirty diapers. You are voicing something we probably already believe while not acknowledging that we are hurting and that somewhere a child is going to bed without a mother again. Please never say this again. Thank you.

2. “Are you going to have your own kids?” (Also in this category: “You’ll probably get pregnant the minute your adoption clears!” “Since this is so hard, why don’t you just try to have your own kids?” “Well, at least you have your own kids.”) The subtle message here is: You can always have legitimate biological kids if this thing tanks. It places adoption in the Back-up Plan Category, where it does not belong for us. When we flew to Ethiopia with our first travel group from our agency, out of 8 couples, we were the only parents with biological kids. The other 7 couples chose adoption first. Several of them were on birth control. Adoption counts as real parenting, and if you believe stuff Jesus said, it might even be closer to the heart of God than regular old procreation. (Not to mention the couples that grieved through infertility already. So when you say, “Are you going to have your own kids?” to a woman who tried for eight years, then don’t be surprised if she pulls your beating heart out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)

3. For those of you in Christian community, it is extremely frustrating to hear: “Don’t give up on God!” or “Don’t lose faith!” It implies that we are one nanosecond away from tossing our entire belief system in the compost pile because we are acting sad or discouraged. It’s condescending and misses the crux of our emotions. I can assure you, at no point in our story did we think about kicking Jesus to the curb, but we still get to cry tears and feel our feelings, folks. Jesus did. And I’m pretty sure he went to heaven when he died.

4. We’re happy to field your questions about becoming a transracial family or adopting a child of another race, but please don’t use this moment to trot out your bigotry. (Cluelessness is a different thing, and we try to shrug that off. Like when someone asked about our Ethiopian kids, “Will they be black?” Aw, sweet little dum-dum.) The most hurtful thing we heard during our wait was from a black pastor who said, “Whatever you do, don’t change their last name to Hatmaker, because they are NOT Hatmakers. They’ll never be Hatmakers. They are African.” What the??? I wonder if he’d launch the same grenade if we adopted white kids from Russia? If you’d like to know what we’re learning about raising children of another race or ask respectful, legitimate questions, by all means, do so. We care about this and take it seriously, and we realize we will traverse racial landmines with our family. You don’t need to point out that we are adopting black kids and we are, in fact, white. We’ve actually already thought of that.

5. Saying nothing is the opposite bad. I realize with blogs like this one, you can get skittish on how to talk to a crazed adopting Mama without getting under her paper-thin skin or inadvertently offending her. I get it. (We try hard not to act so hypersensitive. Just imagine that we are paper-pregnant with similar hormones surging through our bodies making us cry at Subaru commercials just like the 7-month preggo sitting next to us. And look at all this weight we’ve gained. See?) But acting like we’re not adopting or struggling or waiting or hoping or grieving is not helpful either. If I was pregnant with a baby in my belly, and no one ever asked how I was feeling or how much longer or is his nursery ready or can we plan a shower, I would have to audition new friend candidates immediately.

Here’s what we would love to hear Before the Airport:

1. Just kind, normal words of encouragement. Not the kind that assume we are one breath away from atheism. Not the kind that attempt to minimize the difficulties and tidy it all up with catchphrases. We don’t actually need for you to fix our wait. We just want you to be our friend and acknowledge that the process is hard and you care about us while we’re hurting. That is GOLD. I was once having lunch with my friend Lynde when AWAA called with more bad news about Ben’s case, and I laid my head down on the table in the middle of Galaxy Café and bawled. Having no idea what to do with such a hot mess, she just cried with me. Thank you for being perfect that day, Lynde.

2. Your questions are welcomed! We don’t mind telling you about the court system in Ethiopia or the in-country requirements in Nicaragua or the rules of the foster system. We’re glad to talk about adoption, and we’re thankful you care. I assure you we didn’t enter adoption lightly, so sharing details of this HUGE PIECE OF OUR LIVES is cathartic. Plus, we want you to know more because we’re all secretly hoping you’ll adopt later. (This is not true.) (Yes it is.)

3. When you say you’re praying for us and our waiting children, and you actually really are, not only does that soothe our troubled souls, but according to Scripture, it activates the heavens. So pray on, dear friends. Pray on. That is always the right thing to say. And please actually do it. We need people to stand in the gap for us when we are too tired and discouraged to keep praying the same words another day.

4. If you can, please become telepathic to determine which days we want to talk about adoption and which days we’d rather you just show up on our doorstep with fresh figs from the Farmer’s Market (thanks, Katie) or kidnap us away in the middle of the day to go see Bridesmaids. Sometimes we need you to make us laugh and remember what it feels like to be carefree for a few hours. If you’re not sure which day we’re having, just pre-buy movie tickets and show up with the figs, and when we answer the door, hold them all up and ask, “Would you like to talk for an hour uninterrupted about waiting for a court date?” We’ll respond to whichever one fits.

Supporting Families After the Airport

You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:

1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important.

Second Guessing

I am really doubting my decision for my home study agency.  It has been 3 weeks since we sent in our application and we have not heard from them.  I called them last week, on the 17th, and they assured me someone would get back to me by the 21st, since it was a holiday weekend.  I called again on the 24th and just got a voicemail.  I checked my account, they cashed the check for the application on the 22, more than 2 weeks after we sent it.  They were so quick to respond when we were researching homestudy agencies, but now that they have the check in hand, they can drag their feet. 
I don't know who our social worker is and they haven't contacted us or our references.  I want to know what we need to do to get this process started, but they are the biggest obstacle at this point. 
Is it too late to ditch them and find an agency that is more responsive?  Can we get our check back- its not like they have provided us with any service?

Someone's Turning 30

In just a few weeks, my husband is turning 30!  He's out of the country until March 1st, so I am using this time to pull together a birthday surprise.  I have just a few more days, but I think I'll make it in time. ;-)

Working on the Homestudy

We sent our Home Study application in 2 weeks ago and still haven't heard back (and they haven't cashed our check).  I called them on Friday, it's a different agency than our adoption agency, since our adoption agency is in Washington State.  Not too many agencies operate in our little "not state," so we need to use a different agency for the Home Study.  I was informed that they would get back to me "in a few days," to see if they got the application.  I know its a holiday weekend, but don't they have computers?  We had to choose five references in our local area, and none have been contacted since I last checked in with them.  I hope they don't throw a wrench in the process. 
The home study is an important part of determining if prospective parents are ready to be adoptive parents- they check your background, employment status, finacial status, and they inspect your home.  Its weird to "baby proof" our house and set up a kid's room when we don't know anything about this kid.  How old, if its a boy or girl and what the needs will be.  Although, it will most likely be a toddler, so it is good to think about baby proofing, becuase we need to hit the ground running.  Usually, parents have a few months before their kids are mobile and sticking things in their mouths- we won't have that luxury. 
I told Chris I would drive up to Lake Wobegone and get these social workers moving, but he has informed me that not all Lutherans are associated with "A Prairie Home Companion."
Current status is waiting...

Fundraising has begun!

Today was Valentine's and I totally felt the love!!  I woke up to a phone call to my husband who is out of town for work, but it kept getting better.  
I sent out an e-mail yesterday asking for help in our fundraising efforts, and believe me- "ask and ye shall receive"!  We got such a positive response!
- several people volunteered to sell raffle tickets - these people are all over the country, so we need to choose something portable like a tablet PC as the prize for easier shipping
-lots of suggestions for great fundraisers and places to ask for grant money!
- one friend is moving and selling her furniture on Craigslist and will send us the proceeds!
-several friends have offered to help with fundraisers when we do one in our city
- Chris's mom wants to organize something up by them
- one Bulgarian friend offered us a place to stay when we are in Sofia!
- a friend has offered to sponsor our adoptive parenting courses (required part of any Hague adoption)!!
- our minister has been super supportive, she has suggested we have another yard sale here and we can do it at the church because it is near a popular weekend farmer's market (lots of foot traffic) and we don't have a yard, just a stoop.
This is the best Valentine's Day ever!  I was surprised when my husband sent me flowers at work, even though he is overseas on a work assignment!  And I am so happy to see how loved and blessed we are.  We are feeling the love today.  The funding of the adoption was the most intimidating part, but now we know we have a lot of people who support us. 
Here are my flowers...can you tell where I work?  Oh, institutional cabinetry.. I'd like to thank my big sister for my work coffee pot ;-)

Don't forget February 14th is the Bulgarian Holiday of Wine- Trifon Zarazen! ;-)

Fundraising

We have a date set!  Our first fundraiser will be June 2 & 3rd- big yard sale at my parents' house in New York.  If you know anyone in the New York Metro area who can donate items- please contact me!  Any tips on organizing a successful tag sale fundraiser would be greatly appreciated! 
This is our first fundraiser for our adoption, we have some other ideas, but we are thinking a raffle for a big ticket item- LCD TV or tablet PC and bake sale.  All items will be priced by donation- make an offer! 
What does an adoption cost?  Well, it all depends.  With the $13K tax credit set to expire, we need to raise between $20,000 and $30,000 for this adoption.

Trifon Zarazen - Bulgarian Wine Harvest Holiday

Last night, I went to the Bulgarian Community Center (Chitalishte) celebration of the wine harvest.  This holiday is known as Trifon Zarazen and is celebrated on February 1st (old calender) or February 14th (new calender).  This holiday is to celebrate the clipping of the grape vines to get ready for the new season.  There was a Bulgarian band, several of the members actually played at our wedding.  Check out the Gaida- the Bulgarian bag pipe.  It's made from a animal hide and has several different wooden pipes, one to blow into and several interchangeable ones to play the notes.  Interestingly, the sound is not forced out by the musician blowing into it- though he blows into it to keep it filled with air.  He actually squeezes it with his forearm to play the notes.  He'll then blow into again to keep it topped up.  He's in the gray sweater, just behind the singer.

The drum is played with a stick about the size of a chopstick and another thicker stick, sort of like a wooden spoon.  Whenever there is National Music (Narodni Musika) and a group of Bulgarians- there is horo dancing!  I can never get a good picture of the horo, but here's an example:

This is Pravo Horo- 3 steps forward, kick your left foot, one step back, kick your right foot, hold hands with your arms slightly raised.  You can see the little ones join in early, don't worry if they don't get the steps, they just walk along. 

Typically, in Bulgaria, this holiday is celebrated with wine, a lot of wine.  But here in the states, there was no drinking at this community center, so there was a quiz where bottles of wine were given out as prizes.  I did not win, though my friend did- one question was a yes/no da ili ne question and she shouted out "no" which turned out to be the correct answer. 

It's so fun to celebrate this Bulgarian holidays here in America.  There are Bulgarian cultural groups in many metro areas, when we lived in Pittsburgh, they even had their own community center- their own building!  Its a great way to keep the connection for our child when he/she comes home.  They have celebrations coming up for St. George's Day and Cyril and Metodi Cyrillic Alphabet Day in May. 

I found this group through a friend who also served in the Peace Corps Bulgaria, but you can find many of these groups via the web.  Some Bulgarian cultural groups have list serves on Yahoo or Google, websites and some you can track down via Eastern Orthodox Churches.  This group had a wide range of people, some who were born here, born in Bulgaria, married a Bulgarian, little children, teenagers, grandmothers.  Everyone spoke English, but they enjoy speaking Bulgarian when they get together because they rarely get to in their daily lives.  People were happy to translate, teach the dance steps and explain what the different foods were. 
It was a lot of fun, and when we came out we were surprised to see our cars had a dusting of snow!  We haven't had much snow at all this year.  It was very pretty, but made the drive home slippery. 

Busy Saturday, Productive Saturday

Yesterday was a busy day.  It was the first day since we got the Homestudy application, that we were both able to go to a notary together.  We went to the UPS store, but the notary was not there.  We walked out of the store and realized the Citibank down the block was open, and they had a notary.  It only cost us $2 (since we don't bank we them)! So...
Homestudy application is in the mail!!!

I was working on installing new roman shades in the spare bedroom.  This is not the child's room, you must walk through the home office to get to this bedroom.  A little odd, but its in the addition of this old house.  This part of the house was most damaged in the fire and nothing survived. 

I couldn't believe how expensive blinds were!  I wanted blinds, not curtains because I didn't want to hide the beautiful trim around the windows.  Also, I think they are neater than bulky curtains which collect dust and pet dander.  I went to Blinds To Go, they gave me a ridiculous quote and told me they had a lowest price guarantee.  Untrue.  I also wanted cordless, which is more toddler-safe.  But Blinds To Go only offers plastic cord cleats- that is not the same thing.  Undeterred, I went to Home Depot, where no one helped me and one person tried to sell me kitchen cabinets- really gave the hard sell.  You know, "leave now and you'll never get this deal."  Ok, I don't need cabinets.  I tried searching online.  I found Blindster.com.  Really good prices, and someone called me to make sure the measurements were correct.  I got 4 white "super value" roman shades, and they look great!  They fit perfectly and they were here in about a week.  They screw directly into the woodwork, not those little brackets like venetian blinds, so you don't have to worry about a toddler pulling them down on his head.  You can remove the cords and there are metal clasps that attach to plastic loops (this kit comes with the blinds) to adjust the height- viola cordless!
While I was working on that, Chris was in the basement finishing up the laundry room.  When we bought this house, the washer was in a storage room and there was no hook-up for a dryer.  And the washer was broken.  Luckily, a friend from work had bought a house where the previous owners had left the washer and dryer and she already had a set.  She gave it to me for free!  They are a really nice high efficiency Maytag set.  Chris installed a dryer outlet and vent, insulated, sheetrocked, tapped and mudded this room.  It was unfinished before, so it was really dark.  Chris installed 2 recessed lights and a light to go over his work bench.  We don't have a garage, so this room is where we store our bikes, lawn mower, camping gear, tools, etc. 

We're not finished, but it is so much better painted white.  Chris is installing hooks so we can hang up our bikes and skis, etc and we got storage shelves from my sister's old house to store the camping gear, tools and Costco stuff. 
The best thing that happened yesterday, was insurance finally cut us a check for our personal property.  Yea! After paying the initial agency fees and the homestudy application, my checking was looking very low.  It took 7 months, but the company had to fire our first adjuster because he wasn't doing anything.  Really.  For 5 weeks he was MIA, and when he did return calls after that, it was only intermittently.  The new adjuster is on the ball. 
Service Master Clean never did return all our stuff, I'm sure our rugs are sitting in their cockroach-infested warehouse.  They lied, stole our keys, damaged everything they came into contact with and left the house a disaster.  But they finally sent someone over to repair our furniture that they damaged and replaced the cast iron skillets they destroyed (left sitting in water for months).  We'll never get everything back from them.
Yesterday a package came in the mail.  When the fire happened, Chris had a signed poster from AC Newman by the artist Micah Smith.  I contacted the band and told them it was destroyed to see if we could get a replacement.  The manager said it was a limited edition print, but she would send out a different poster.  It had been weeks, so I e-mailed again to see if they sent it (packages tend to go missing around here during the holidays.)  The manager said no, actually she found some extras of the print I was talking about and she was going to have the band sign it and send it out.  I was planning on having it framed and giving it to Chris for his big 3-0 in a few weeks, but he answered the door and his name was on the package, so he opened it.  Not only did she send that poster, but a half dozen more all signed!  I love AC Newman!  Chris was totally surprised and thrilled.
Today is the Superbowl, although I am indifferent to the teams that are playing, we are going to a friend's house around the corner.  I'm up early so I can finish painting in the laundry room before we go over.  Now, I need to figure out how to get paint out my hair.  Nail polish remover?